Saturday, February 10, 2018

All the Symbolism in a Broken Phone



Hola friends,
I know I haven't written on here in awhile, but I'm still alive.

The point of this post, however, is that my phone is not:



And that, my friends, is a perfect illustration of what my life has looked and felt like lately.

When I moved back to the US after finishing my studies last year, I needed a new phone. However, I also had plans to serve a mission for my church. This was the direction I felt from God, and although it was not an easy decision to make (read: among other things, I would much rather be focusing on finding and loving my husband and raising my own babies than praying for love for a 19-year old companion and for patience for someone else's 18-year old babies), I trusted God and knew that He knows what is best for me better than I do. If He wanted me to serve a mission at this stage of my life, who am I to question His plans?

My aunt and uncle, who are some of the most generous people I know, told me they wanted to give me a graduation gift, and offered to buy me a nice new phone. I was grateful but declined--if I were going to be leaving soon for an 18-month mission, what did I need a new phone for? Thus, in lieu of that, my generous aunt and uncle let me use an old family phone they had. That is what I have been using, and it was the pattern my choices took--to save money for my mission (and also just out of practicality), I didn't buy anything new. I didn't make plans past January. I've politely let every guy who approached me about dating know that I wouldn't be available long-term at this point. The direction to serve a mission was so strong, and I was so willing, that I expected everything to be smooth sailing, with God's blessing, from there.

It hasn't been though. Although I technically only needed to finish up a few publications before I could submit my mission papers--and, although I'm usually the kind of person who gets things done as soon as I put my mind to it--those publications are still unfinished. I try and I try and I write and I write, but it's been like I'm pushing up against a brick wall. Aside from other things that made moving home difficult, lately, the hardest thing has been watching time slip past, with nothing changing in my circumstances. I have found myself looking up at heaven, asking God what is going on and why He is not helping me, especially since I've been trying to do what I felt He wanted me to do.

Well friends, one thing I know about God is that He is much smarter than I am. Whereas I only see a small piece of the picture, He sees the whole thing. And sometimes I have felt Him take me down a path, only to lead me somewhere else--the place He wanted me to go in the first place, but which was only accessible by traveling the first road for a while before.

That's what I've experienced in my life lately.

Because of this: Around Christmastime, all of my feelings of frustration and confusion were coming to a head. It had been almost eight months since I had moved home, and I felt that all I had experienced was wasted time. I was feeling terrible about myself, my situation, and even starting to wonder if God had a plan at all, or if this was really all He wanted for me. I was feeling very dark and very much in need of some help.

*Enter the broken phone*

On New Year's Eve, with all of these questions and confusion and frustration running around my mind and heart, I was getting out of the car in the garage in the dark and my phone, which I had placed in my lap and forgotten about, fell out of the car and flat onto the cement floor. As I heard it fall, I knew the screen was shattered. I picked it up and in that moment, immediately recognizing that I now really did need a new phone, it was as if God gave me a sign I could finally understand: I was not going on a mission anytime soon.

Oh the confusion. And the frustration. And the tears. And the darkness. Starting New Year's Day, my shattered phone (representing my shattered plans), sparked a spiritual wrestle that led me through rethinking every major life decision I had ever made and every spiritual prompting I had ever received. I found myself questioning their value if they only served to lead me here: living in my mother's house at almost thirty years old, with an education I wasn't using and with no real answer to why in the world I was supposed to do all of the things I had felt I was supposed to do in my life.

I have since developed a renewed love for spiritual wrestles, and the light that comes from the prayer, study, and temple attendance that went with mine. This invitation, from a man I esteem, was my first step toward the new right road:


In evaluating all my life choices, I realized that there is nothing I would do differently. To change something would be to deny the direction and spiritual guidance and all the blessings I had received in the meantime, which would be to deny God working in my life. And I could never do that.

As I sat with rebuilding that foundation of trust in God--of putting ALL of my trust in Him--things started to happen, and my life started to change. Instead of serving a mission, I was asked to take on a commissioned research project for the next year. The thing about the project is that I will be doing exactly what I feel I have been prepared to do. And the other thing is that now is the perfect timing for it. It could not wait until after an 18-month mission; it has to be now. In fact, every life decision that I have been questioning in recent weeks is somehow miraculously answered in this project. And somehow, because God is good and amazing like that, all my "waiting" in the past few months has ironically served to give me a perfectly clear schedule, ready and open to accept this project as it has come.

It's been awesome (in the real sense of that word), to process everything that has come and to see and consider what God was really doing in the past sixteen months of my life. Somehow He was leading me here, instead of where I thought I was headed.

And I'm grateful.

Because with this new road, a whole slew of other dreams can come back up to the surface again, instead of having to remain buried like they were before.

 
1. Marriage. By accepting this "mission" and not the standard one I was thinking I'd be undertaking, I'll be able to date and *hopefully* progress toward getting married sooner rather than later (I know I have a PhD, but the people I care most about affecting by that are my future children and family--I want to teach them to love God and love people and to serve both with all that they have and are given).

2.  Idaho. As much as being home has had it's challenges, living in Idaho again has been a great, much-longed for gift (remember my poem?). 











There is a big part of me that never wants to live anywhere else ever, ever again. I want to stay tucked up in the hills in a home far from a city or any suburbs, surrounded by God's creations, in a place I can breathe clean air and raise hardworking, fun-loving kids, close enough to an airport to go serve the world too :)


3. Being myself. With the new job has come a new opportunity to move out on my own again. As much as I have loved being near family and especially, having my little brother close, I need the independence of living my own life to feel truly, authentically me. I am going to stay in Idaho, but out of the blue, clear sky, I feel a lot of light and direction from God about moving soon to a town about an hour from where I currently live. Joy of joys, this place is still within my Temple district (so I can continue serving there and attending as often as I can), still close enough to family and the wonderful friends I've made in the past eight months to see them often and be there for important events, is a University town with potential for teaching or other academic opportunities, is surrounded by beautiful hills I can run and hike in, and is an hour closer to an international airport. God is good. 

So, to sum up: my life plans for the next year have changed. 

These were mine

And these are Gods.

I think I'll take His.


Thank you, dear friends, for caring about me and about my life. Here's to a new future. New experiences. New hopes and dreams. Here's to my hand in God's.

Love love,
me

9 comments:

  1. I enjoyed this thoroughly. Prayers and luck. And thank you for sharing honestly.

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  2. Where are you exactly? We need to meet up and hang out! I love this post and I have felt many of the same things. God is awesome and so are you!

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  3. Best of luck with this new phase, Kasia! Your faith and trust in God is so inspiring. Thanks for sharing your story and being such a great example!

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    1. Thank you Sheila! I hope your program is going well!

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  4. That is so great Kasia. Thanks for sharing, I myself have found a lot inspiration from your experiences. You are awesome

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